What Causes V. M. S.

Usually people who who have lived in a village all their short pointless lives, who are self obsessed with their own self superiority, completely unwilling and unable to comprehend that other people have experience of life around the globe. You will see a short list of some of the characteristics often found in villagers.

1. If you have never moved from a tiny little area of a country and seen anything else that the world has to offer.
2. If you refer to people who weren't born where you were as , outsiders.
3. If you can't marry your intended because there is a law against it
4. If you think that Don Perignon is a Mafia boss
5. If your wife's hair was once ruined by a ceiling  fan.
6. If the value of your car fluctuates depending on how much fuel is in it.
7. If your toilet paper has page numbers on it
8. If a member of you family has died right after saying ; " hey watch this ".
9. If you wonder how petrol stations keep their toilets so clean.
10. If you let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dining table, in front of her kids.
11. If 1 of your children was born on a pool table.
12. If you think that monogamy is a dark wood that they make furniture from.
13. If you have been married 3 times and still have the same set of in-laws.
14. If Scrumpy Jack makes your number one on the top ten list of people you admire most.
15. If you took an IQ test and the results came back negative.

Who does it affect:

• People who move from towns to small villages in the country.
• People who go to villages & try and do any kind of sensible business transaction with villagers.
• People with an IQ that's more than their shoe size.
• People who work extremely hard at their very own highly technical business to try and make a better life for themselves and immediate family.

Known phrases

1. Your not from around here are you?
2. Your from the smoke
3. I wouldn't have bought one of those, can I borrow it?
4. I have run out of cash can I pay you with pheasants?
    (if you accept dead animals as payment for products and services you are already adding to the illness)
5. Now don't get me wrong, he/she's not a bad person but.................
6. I am not one for idle gossip but............
7. your so lucky, having your own business and all that.

Things that you wont here from villagers

• I couldn't she's only 16.
• No way, that's another blokes wife.
• No more for me I'm driving.
• Has anyone seen the sideburns trimmer?
• You cant feed that to the dog!
• Spitting is such a nasty habit.
• I've got it all on the " C " Drive.
• Shot guns are dangerous.
• I going to call The R. S. P. C. A.
• Have you seen my Mensa application form honey?
• We like to go to different places and meet new people.
• Lets clean the house.
• Checkmate!

DANGER moving to one of these can seriously damage your wealth and sanity !

 

Known Cures
There are no known cures but there are a number of measures you can take to ease the suffering:

1. Pretend to be completely deaf.
2. Pretend you don't know the lingo (usually the case anyway)
3. Avoid public areas such as; pubs, shops (especially mini supermarkets near villages, churches ,fish-n-chip shops, schools, village greens.
4. Try not to gain eye contact with a local for more than a nanosecond.
5. Always carry a baseball bat, shot gun (and cartridges) or other potentially fatal weapons.
6. DO NOT DRINK THE WATER! (you may end up like them).

If you have experienced any of these annoying, strange, weird, stupid, thick, foolish, twatish, behavior:
e-mail The Squirrel Director

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V. M. S  is out there it probably wont kill you, but it will piss you off